My ‘too-long’ life-dominating struggle from
disappointment, failure and
desperation to freedom and
My own story with its history of pornography and masturbation started in childhood.
Starting life as a toddler without a father – my mother had to leave him to escape his alcohol-induced violence – I eventually had to contend with the smoldering anger and emotional volatility of a stepfather fighting his own demons of alcoholism.
Like most men I was exposed to pornography even before my teenage years by accidentally encountering it on a school playground during break. Having the wrong friends at the onset of adolescence added masturbation to the mix and the hook was set.
Despite countless visits to pastors and counsellors over my teenage years, no effective guidance or assistance was given – besides ‘more prayer’, ‘try harder’ and ‘apply the Bible’.
My desperation to break free grew into despondency until my infilling of the Holy Spirit after which I managed a seven-month period of freedom. After one slip, however, I resumed the habit and hoped that marriage would solve ‘my problem’ – marriage only made it worse.
As a married man I now experienced the intimacy and emotional avoidance patterns that emerge as a result of pornography and masturbation, and had to witness how all these actions culminated in causing untold shock, pain and heartache in my wife and immense destruction to our marriage.
Authentic restoration and recovery started only in discovering the importance of submitting to the full spectrum of Biblical principles relating to life-dominating struggles with particularly sexual sin – of which pornography and masturbation is the most prevalent in the church today.
The second giant to conquer in my life was to restructure my life towards emotional and intimacy connection rather than avoidance and coming alongside my precious wife, Carin, as helper and support in her healing process from complex betrayal trauma (caused by me) while also taking the lead in initiating and driving what we call the Redemptive Reconciliation Process in rebuilding a damaged (and in many respects destroyed) marriage from the cracked foundations upwards.
In this process of discovery, research and learning increasingly what the complete steps to successful restoration, recovery, healing and thriving are, my wife and I completed a Couples Recovery Course offered by Dr Magnus Milton, covering finding freedom for husbands, betrayal trauma healing for wives and restoration of marriages for couples. This was followed by us as a couple becoming Certified Mentors in the field of sexual integrity recovery and betrayal trauma healing.
The next step for me was to train as a Life Recovery Coach with Light University, an official training platform of AACC (The American Association of Christian Counsellors) while my wife Carin specialized in becoming a certified APSATS betrayal trauma therapist.
In order for Carin and I to continue offering hope to couples struggling in similar situations of pornography, problematic sexual behaviors, intimacy and emotional avoidance, and complex betrayal trauma, she is continually involved in receiving training and certification in various trauma healing therapeutic methods while I am continuing my research of my PhD on Song of Songs in exploring the Biblical principles for Christlike sexuality and a Christ-centered marriage in greater depth.